The Reign of My Heart

A chilling wind breaks over the rolling hill that is my backyard. Rustling the leaves it sways here and there. It is not known where it has come from and it cannot be said where it will go. The overcast sky, while monotonous and uninteresting, has been pouring rain nonstop all day. The rain pours the same with in my soul. I am not particularly fond of days like this when they mirror the condition of my heart.

I am heart sick. “Hope deferred makes the heart sick…” I wish my heart would stop hoping! How much pain is enough? How much more of the throbbing and the aching must I endure? My mind is fed up! I have had enough!

There is a brokenness inside me, you see. I am all too well acquainted with its symptoms and not at all inclined to say I know its source. Pain and agony is the way and frustration is the game. My mind and my heart just aren’t seeing eye to eye on this one. My mind is ready to be free this instant while my heart wants to keep holding on much like the raccoon who, with his arm caught in the trap, could be free if only he would open his paw and let go of the bait.

But just like the stubborn raccoon who will not let go even though his life depends upon it, so my heart is steadfastly wrapped around an ideal that can never be. No matter what amount of disappointment I experience, no matter how great the affliction, still my heart will not succumb. O how I feel trapped with in myself! The heart’s pull is great and many a time have I been sucked in. I WANT TO BE FREE! This is the cry of my soul! Lord Jesus, have mercy and heal me!

“For we know that the Law is spiritual; but I am of flesh, sold into bondage to sin. For that which I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate. But if I do the very thing I do not wish to do, I agree with the Law, confessing that it is good. So now, no longer am I the one doing it, but sin which indwells me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh, for the wishing is present in me, but the doing of the good is not. For the good that I wish, I do not do; but I practice the very evil that I do not wish.” Romans 7:14-19